Holy shit, you ungrateful fucks drove Wombstretcha into retirement.  Below is the blogpost about it.  I'm sure there's something worthwhile in it, but it was too fucking long and poorly formatted for me to read.

Goodbye, Rap Game - Wombstretcha is Retiring
Current mood:Soundproof
Category: Music

EDIT: Wombstretcha *will* be finishing out his guest spots for those of you that are waiting, and the MSG EP *will* be released before Womb's departure date on 2/14/10

Actually, it's really not a 'final' blog as such. It's merely a blog entry, of which will no doubt increase in light of things.

Regarding the state of modern hip-hop; It will never be the same. You see, gentle reader, the American judicial system is aligned against me. After a lengthy court battle, "US v. Wombstretcha the Magnificent" - the judge has put forth an injunction against me "Performing, recording or otherwise putting forth any measurable product in the field of musical trade." However, oddly enough, there's a strange exemption for death metal in the legalese, there. Not certain if I can quite fulfill any calling in that area, but it IS an option, I guess. "Wombstretcha goes death metal?" Uh... well. Gee. I dunno if I can growl like that on a regular basis.

These last six years in 'da rap game' have been quite some shit. And by, 'some shit' I mean, ya know, the good kind. Six albums, four EPs and numerous guest appearances. Ray (that's Statutory Ray, for you dorks out there) and I have spent plenty of time doing the strangest shit over this span of nearly two-thirds of a decade. We've cut albums, cut lines, cut hookers and cut loose apes from the zoo. As the Grateful Dead might say, "What a long, strange trip it's been." but to that I say "Fuck you, you stupid hippies, I lives on my own terms."

I might mention some of the weirdoes who've been by us, hell, even since the beginning of the end (which, ironically, was the beginning) in no particular order.

Steven Stovall - You crazy fuck.

Doug - Never knew your last name, but I know you beat your ex-wife because of one of our songs.

Bill Larson and the Gaywads - We got Shermed out on Mount Jesus and it was awesome

Breast Friends - It's good to be friends with breasts!

Travis Envy - Good beets and good beats.

Rick Emerson - You, also a crazy fuck, but one who turned radio audiences on to my garbage!

All the dumb strippers who've performed at our shows over the years. I don't even remember your names. You know what? I don't care either.

JuggaloNews.com - I'm still disappointed that most of you so-called 'Juggaloes' can't even juggle! What the hell is that?! Other than that, you all have been quite nice. I think hateful comments are some sort of badge of respect on that site. If that's the truth then I must be more popular than Elvis!

FaygoLovers.net - See above, but there seems to be a greater love of cheesiness on this site, and thus slightly less hate.

The S1nd1cate - Great guys, great music, incompatible business strategies.

DJ Castor Pollux. Best DJ-slash-magician evar. I have no idea how you do them tricks, but I think that's the point.

K-Dizzy - Best Juggalo-influenced rap to come out of PDX to date! If you want to piss this man off... well... I'm STILL not sure how to do it. Fucker's more laid-back than Bob Marley, but I'm not entirely sure why.

Acheron Flow - Ya know, the first time I saw a little tiny white dude call a bunch of 300-lb Black guys 'assholes' and dis their style, I figured he'd get killed, but it's just battle rap, and apparently that's just what they do. A-Flow is the best on the scene. Don't believe me? Challenge his ass and see what's up.

Pill Brigade - This. This, motherfuckers, is some manner of electro-shit. Really fucking kickass and great to have as background when you're at a One Hour Pharmacy show. Electro-industrial rock at its finest, and nearly as many Nintendo references as I have.

MC:/ - Yeah. MC Prompt. Dude wrote a song about robots doing his taxes and shit, as well as being on our Internet porn song "pr0n shop." Good guy, but needs some fucking social skills.

Amy McCulloch - uh. Journalist ho. Nice person. We made a song for her when she left town, even though Ray nor I ever stabbed her with our beef-flavored Slim Jims. Go figure!

Jason Simms - I'm not sure what he did, but he did it well. Pretentious fuckwad.

Jay Knapp - You hosted our first show at your place, not knowing, but half anticipating, exactly what we'd do... 6 years ago. Good man. We showed up those fucks in 'Bad Goat' and nobody stayed to see them. HAHAHA.

Nintendo - Thanks for the samples, and all the memories... CASTLEVANIA FOREVER!

Audrey II - Thanks for shaking your ass for us those first few, uh, shaky, shows. No thanks for the clap.

Thanks to anyone I did a guest spot for. Not counting people who solely got Ray to master or produce their shit. Thank HIM. On your own time.

Chrissy... or Sascha, or whatever your name is. You're a one-handed whore with a knack for getting freaky just because we like it that way. Props. we love you.

The Roxy - Portland's greatest greasy spoon. You put our album in the jukebox and subjected thousands to the madness. Woot.

Johnny Hogfarm. You know why.

Hitchcock. If I had it my way, you'd have been named Hitchdick, but you did us well and we thank you.

The Portland Mercury. Wow. You suck. Thanks for nothing, you cheese-dicked hipster assholes. What? Were we too ironic, or not ironic enough?

Illicit Minds - One of the few acts I enjoyed collaborating with. Funtime!

Ron Jeremy. Thanks for being a big-time(!) porn star who shouted us out.

Schaumburg, IL. I have no idea why you fuckers liked us, but you did, and do. So... kickass. Keep doing your thing, you suburban weirdoes.

Draydin the Damned. Well, what's to say about a man who has death makeup on and breathes clouds of fire at our shows for the sheer hell of it. Good people!

Ogre - Best bodyguard I've ever had who has 4 black-belts and has almost accidentally killed me at least 7 times while drunk!

Ethan - Best ape ever, when you were there.

Levi - You deaf fuck. We like the fact that you listen to our music, and we're still not sure how that works.

Homer. Not simpson. Just you, you impoverished, lazy fuck. You've been there since day one, and I'm not sure why, but it's still cool.

Audrey I - You were in the first 'Shake it Like a Baby' video, and you rock because of it.

Krazy K and Kelly(Kap'n Kürbis) and all you fuckers who showed up in weird outfits to the 'Soundproof Van' video shoot. That was fun, despite the rain. Also, all those who lent us their children for same video... hahaha.

Josh Dent of Coffeehouse Films, for directing the Soundproof Van video... and playing a weird-looking Albert Fish. Good times.

Heavy Johnson - if for nothing else than the one time the stripper almost unplugged your guitar and you looked like you were going to harvest her liver with your teeth onstage.

DJ Red Five. we have no idea where you went, and you may be dead, but for what it's worth, you did a fine job, you flaky fuck.

Joe Bridges: Only Black republican I've ever known, but you got us a penthouse suite at a 5-star hotel with 4 plasma TVs and a hot tub in the living room. All I gots to say is DAMN. Who knew that shit'd even exist in Boise, Idaho.

Public Drunken Sex - Not the thing that got me 90 days once, but rather the group of talented fuckers who played a show with us. Great presence, guys.

KPSU - From humble beginnings. That's all I need to say on that one.

The Sin Club - Hasn't been open in years and is now a BBQ place, but your coked-out staff let us play up to three shows a week and put us on the marquee. Good times, great taste.

The Ash Street Saloon. We're not quite done with you yet, but Heather, the manager or whatever, is almost the only competent person who works at any venue anywhere.

Exotic Magazine - For a magazine whose audience is people with nothing better to do, you do writeups on us. This is good.

Raise the Bridges; A great Portland band who aren't hipsters or dickheads and can be worked with professionally or personally. Cheers.

Tripp - Our ad hoc ape in Boise. Maniacal performance, captain.

Ivy and Jamie, the hoes from Bremerton. Thanks for letting us blow loads on your faces.

Ivy and Jamie's boyfriends. Thanks for letting us blow loads on your girlfriends.

Anyone who has EVER been an ad-hoc ape for us at a show when we were short-handed. That's quite the public service.

The Tacoma roller-derby chicks. Really? You wanted us to play a wedding?

Chris Rodgers - Our first videographer. You probably will be uncovering new footage of us for years to come.

Sweet Candy Nuts, you're one of few people who got a brief song named after them, but if anyone deserved it, you did.

Phat T. I don't remember what the T stands for, but I think the 'Phat' stands for 'fuck penguins' if I recall correctly.

Scratch the Killa. You showed up at one of our shows after I had gotten arrested prior, and tried to freestyle battle me. I wanted to get drunk so I told you to 'look over there' and dashed out. Sorry, pal.

Arni May. CD/DVD replicator extraordinaire. We stuck with you through thick and thin because, unlike 99.999 percent of the industry out there, you're not a complete and utter cockbag.

The now-defunct Samurai Duck club. Good times were had, and you hosted our 'tribute to columbine' wherein we dressed as jocks and had strippers shoot us with oil-filled water guns. Those were the days. Sad to see you fade into oblivion.

Don Rosencrantz. You mailed us a fully drawn comic one day out of the blue, even though we had no idea who you were. Well, we paid to publish this comic, and that started a great trend of weird third-concept merchandise. Good job.

Soundproof Stan. You flew out from Chicago to be at our first show. Alls I can say to that is DAMN! Oh, and also 'I hope you're not dead.'

The 45th St pub. Great place until we learned you don't allow black people. What is this? The 1950s? Did you learn nothing from Martin Luther King Jr. Day?

Alcoholocaust - You suck, but you know it, and you led into many of our shows.

Lil' Hyphy. I don't think I need to say much about Mr. Hyphy. He kicks more ass than you'll ever know, and was the ONLY person(with his entourage and manager, Titan) who were front-and-center at the Qwest arena when we were there in 2008.

Dead. Yeah, that's his name. He's down for life or some shit. Does that mean he's now gonna live forever? Scary thought. Moreso if you've ever seen him.

Jessica and Steve. You're both from a family with an undoubted history of mental illness, but that's cool. Thanks for the support.

Justin, AKA 'porkchop' - Not sure how you got that nickname, but you've been down from day 2, because you were sick on day 1. Good man.

Willamette Week - You and your staff were kind to me. Hell if I know why, but it was fun, except when you polled our ex-girlfriends.

All the stupid hoes who fucked Ray. Thanks for keeping him mellow. (He has personality problems!)

Anyone I've forgotten. You suck for not sticking out too much in my mind. But, don't take it too serious, I'm drunk as hell. The law says I can't rap anymore, but apparently drinking my ass off is OK. Bourbon, fuckers. Drink it up.

So that's the list. I'm sure I forgot someone. Hell, I probably forgot a lot of folks who deserved it, and included some who don't. Fuck it.

 

So, by the terms of the injunction, I can no longer really participate in any musical projects, but I can do all sorts of other shit. As a result, we have a few things coming up which you (yeah, YOU, asshole) should look forward to.

Scope this:

I am still a part of this company, even if they all look at me funny when I stroll in all 2 hours late and pee on the ficus plant. I'll be a regular columnist, reviewer, asshole, programmer and ape-wrangler. What? You thought we'd let Go-Go gorilla just leave after this?

The whole of One Hour Pharmacy is going to expand. That means getting bigger. That, in turn, means YOU will be more entertained. Tune in, fucknut.

 

The one and only Statutory Ray, yeah, my former hype-man, will be turning out a solo album. Hell, he has no choice. It's going to be somehow MORE crude. You want to know how? Tough. You gotta wait 'til it's out. I've heard some previews and if you thought MY shit was raunchy, you won't believe the sheer hate poured into this solo album.

 

The last show, on Valentine's fucking Day this year(twenty god-damned ten) will be the most epic thing you'll ever see in your life or death. Hopefully you don't have to die, but if you do, have your funeral reception at the Ash Street Saloon on Feb 14th, 2010.

Don't worry about not being able to get my shit, either.

The court ordered me not to make MORE music, not to stop selling the shit I have. You can still buy the last several albums on the One Hour Pharmacy webstore until we're dead out of them.

 

The only thing you can't buy is the shit-ass pressing of the "Pregnant Pause EP" which was my first release, of which there's only 3 extant copies. I may give one away to someone who does something appropriately heinous in my name.

As for you fuckers who ordered guest spots; Yes, I am still doing them. The court determined that I can fulfill prior business arrangements regarding music, but cannot engage in any further endeavors. Count your blessings... or not.

That's the buzz for now.

 

I just got out of jail, so I'm gonna go take a dump with TWO-PLY toilet paper. Ah. You never know the good life until it's taken away from you.

Eat your stringbeans, fuckers.

Its the end of the era.  Now where will I find music that contains over the top violence and is denigrating towards women?  Oh that's right, Necro has a new album coming out later this year.

Comments (42)

gang member juggalo 3323 said:

	what up fucking this wombstrech is the shit i saw them live a good number of times and had a chance to do the ape thing and be in a video as fucking well fuck ya womb and ray r the fucking shit mad props to teem dead 3323
	Snitch Stale Fresh

January 27, 2010- 19:12
Votes: -1

Turdy McSmutbags said:

	Sooo... What did this guy do to have his First Ammendant rights taken away?
	Snitch Stale Fresh

January 27, 2010- 19:15
Votes: -1

gang member juggalo 3323 said:

	Dead. Yeah, that's his name. He's down for life or some shit. Does that mean he's now gonna live forever? Scary thought. Moreso if you've ever seen him. yep thats me fuckas
	Snitch Stale Fresh

January 27, 2010- 19:19
Votes: -1

Tears of a Killer said:

	I approve both of this post and of Wombstrechas love of Castlevania.
	Snitch Stale Fresh

January 27, 2010- 19:24
Votes: -1

ahha34 said:

	Wait who?
	Snitch Stale Fresh

January 27, 2010- 19:24
Votes: +2

Fratricide said:

	Damn, he must have some hardcore shit to be banned from making music...
	Snitch Stale Fresh

January 27, 2010- 20:43
Votes: -1

Spadizzle said:

	good riddance...
	Snitch Stale Fresh

January 27, 2010- 20:46
Votes: +1

..., Lowly rated comment [Show]

Ninjacide said:

	hah bitchin actually got you fucks something! congrats. never listen to them but heard good things from my bro. i think this is a shitty underground publicity stunt. gonna come back with a new name or in a new group. idk idc smd. mcl.
	Snitch Stale Fresh

January 27, 2010- 22:01
Votes: +2

foolonthehill said:

Regarding the state of modern hip-hop; It will never be the same. You see, gentle reader, the American judicial system is aligned against me. After a lengthy court battle, "US v. Wombstretcha the Magnificent" - the judge has put forth an injunction against me "Performing, recording or otherwise putting forth any measurable product in the field of musical trade i want proof... considering this is against the constitution. maybe its true but until i get a link proving it i will just think that you quit because your tired of doing something you suck at....

Snitch Stale Fresh

January 27, 2010- 22:08
Votes: +5

Chops said:

	Damn, he must have some hardcore shit to be banned from making music... WRONG. Haha.
	Snitch Stale Fresh

January 27, 2010- 23:10
Votes: +2

lynxtheclown said:

	God Now I have to shave my Mustache FUCK! And Get MY W4L Tattoo Removed! Or I could just say Fuck them and WHO GIVES A FUCK! 6 years you been around and if it wasn't for JN here I would never heard of you! So Enjoy life working at MCD.....
	Snitch Stale Fresh

January 28, 2010- 00:05
Votes: +1

Spadizzle said:

	yea they prolly dont make a cent thats why they're done
	Snitch Stale Fresh

January 28, 2010- 00:23
Votes: +1

Pat_Bombers said:

	foolonthehill said: i want proof... considering this is against the constitution. maybe its true but until i get a link proving it i will just think that you quit because your tired of doing something you suck at.... Pa Pow! couldn't of been said better
	Snitch Stale Fresh

January 28, 2010- 00:25
Votes: +2

Nyarlath0tep said:

	and a tear slowly rolled down my cheek....
	Snitch Stale Fresh

January 28, 2010- 03:56
Votes: +1

Nyarlath0tep said:

	Not like the tear of a killa, but a tear of pure happiness that we will no longer be bombarded with posts about ws. Oh the horror. no not really, they were some of the shittiest rappers around. Good riddance.
	Snitch Stale Fresh

January 28, 2010- 03:59
Votes: +1

piggofdoom said:

	Obviously that's not actually what happened, they're making a joke...
	Snitch Stale Fresh

January 28, 2010- 04:35
Votes: +0

ysmydha420 said:

	never really liked Wombstretcha he put on 1 hell of a show at the filthy lap dog in lincoln city oregon. after the we all went across the street to the cruise inn and got fallen down drunk
	Snitch Stale Fresh

January 28, 2010- 07:12
Votes: -1

Devious_T said:

So basically dude is gonna quit rapping and start a metal band.... pretty gay how he had to make a "Government wont let me rap" gimmick though, shit is kinda dumb. Like when Doughmaster is walking around Columbus talking about "Im not allowed to perform in Columbus, im to violent.", nah your not too violent, and you can perform, you just refuse to put in work, don't make up some shit cuz you can't even bring 4 people to a open mic night.

Snitch Stale Fresh

January 28, 2010- 09:02
Votes: +1

Quemical said:

	Some people will believe anything. Banned from ever being involved with anything involving music? BS Alert!
	Snitch Stale Fresh

January 28, 2010- 09:10
Votes: +1

Turdy McSmutbags said:

	Subtly is a lost art.
	Snitch Stale Fresh

January 28, 2010- 12:09
Votes: +0

wickidklown said:

	There doesnt need to be a reason just be happy
	Snitch Stale Fresh

January 28, 2010- 12:56
Votes: +1

Statutory Ray said:

Yes, a judge really heard and tried this case. Also, ICP was really visited by ghosts. Kanye West is really Tupac. Hitchcock is really Statutory Ray. You fucks will take everything literally. Yes Womb is done with. No there will be no metal band, 'twas a subtle joke. No new band or new Womb music. I'm doing my own music, Womb is moving behind the scenes because it's tough to run a real business when we're too busy making fart joke albums. Broke? Lol... dude's buying a house off of this shit. Thanks to JN, etc, and our label will be bombarding you all with "stupid updates " so stay tuned :)

Snitch Stale Fresh

January 28, 2010- 13:37 | url
Votes: -2

hatchetswinger said:

	good. I think their music sucked. sorry for the negative comment, but I tried to listen to Womb and it was gay
	Snitch Stale Fresh

January 28, 2010- 14:33
Votes: +1

Nyarlath0tep said:

	Broke? Lol... dude's buying a house off of this shit. Ya,ll finally saved up enough for that 85 single wide, well hell, after 10 years of saving, I,m proud.
	Snitch Stale Fresh

January 28, 2010- 15:00
Votes: +2

Cali Ninja said:

	Subtly is a lost art. AMEN!
	Snitch Stale Fresh

January 28, 2010- 16:00
Votes: -1

Spadizzle said:

	Not like the tear of a killa hahahahahaha that shit had me rollin Ya,ll finally saved up enough for that 85 single wide, well hell, after 10 years of saving, I,m proud. you killin me today Nyarlath0tep chill my side hurts
	Snitch Stale Fresh

January 28, 2010- 19:01
Votes: +1

gang member juggalo 3323 said:

	Quemical i know were i see ya on d.m.com you know what i am talking about
	Snitch Stale Fresh

January 28, 2010- 19:05
Votes: +0

Hitchcock said:

	Broke? Lol... dude's buying a house off of this shit. I thought the money for the house came from his dachshund smuggling?
	Snitch Stale Fresh

January 28, 2010- 20:55
Votes: -1

Spadizzle said:

	oh picture of chris benoit...you are so wrong. yet so funny.
	Snitch Stale Fresh

January 28, 2010- 22:06
Votes: -1

lynxtheclown said:

	Hey hitchcock what other crap ass band are you going to try to force feed us?
	Snitch Stale Fresh

January 29, 2010- 10:52
Votes: +1

Nemesis said:

	Illicit Minds!?
	Snitch Stale Fresh

January 29, 2010- 18:20 | url
Votes: +0

Statutory Ray said:

	Probably some shitty Womb-related solo act. Or Juicy Karkas. Punch Em in the Dick is the best song ever
	Snitch Stale Fresh

January 29, 2010- 18:24 | url
Votes: +0

Ninjacide said:

	if you got the money to buy a house off it hire a manager and keep making more music to make more money stupid ass.
	Snitch Stale Fresh

January 29, 2010- 22:09
Votes: +0

Deminutive said:

	Wombstretcha is done and i'm glad. Don't need a reason, just the headline "Wombstretcha Quits Music!" is still to much info. Wombstretcha's music was worse then getting kicked in the taint from your drunk ex girlfriend at a bar during happy hour. Wombstretcha should really be court ordered to stop making music but hey he quit first.
	Snitch Stale Fresh

January 30, 2010- 01:57
Votes: +0

Quemical said:

	Quemical i know were i see ya on d.m.com you know what i am talking about That site blows without Poe running it. Almost everything old, is dead.
	Snitch Stale Fresh

January 30, 2010- 09:13
Votes: +0

gang member juggalo 3323 said:

	for real i went to get some shit cause my hard drive died. and its all broken poe was the shit and fast on fixin it dead6
	Snitch Stale Fresh

January 30, 2010- 09:22
Votes: +0

Shadou said:

	..people actually listened to this shit? damn....and i thought we were in trouble wen ppl liked soulja boy and hannah montannah...
	Snitch Stale Fresh

January 31, 2010- 18:18
Votes: +0

gang member juggalo 3323 said:

	hell ya going to that show ya
	Snitch Stale Fresh

February 02, 2010- 10:16
Votes: +0

Statutory Ray said:

	@Ninjacide: That's what were gonna do, but with taleneted artists that don't rely on fart jokes. Womb never meant to event front as a "talented" rapper, it was a joke. We're gonna take it up a notch. It's all business. If we can sell Womb, we can sell other acts. And yes, this shit makes money. Sadly. But it does.
	Snitch Stale Fresh

February 02, 2010- 12:47 | url
Votes: +0

gang member juggalo 3323 said:

	next sunday fuckers womb feb 14th iz going to be the shit
	Snitch Stale Fresh

February 07, 2010- 09:41
Votes: +0

Snukkems said:

	Who the fuck?
	Snitch Stale Fresh

March 09, 2010- 08:32
Votes: +0